Wishes and Indulgences

I’ve heard quite a few arguments against the phenomenon of Otherkinism, but one is sticking out in my mind quite prominently at the moment: Kinship is a sort of wish fulfillment. When you take your life as it is, you notice that it’s not exactly what you want to be. You’re frustrated by this, and you start to create a “perfect self-image” which embodies all you want to be. That “perfect self-image” is then applied as a kinship, to be used as a buffer against how unhappy, unbalanced, and generally unloved you are – because somehow, knowing that you’re really a dragon inside makes up for the fact that you’re a gangly weirdo with bad clothes and an absent mother.

We’ll just put aside the fact that it does not “make up” for any of the pains and annoyances of normal life, and just focus on this idea of a perfect-self image.

If anyone were to ask me what I would like to change about my physical appearance, I would say that I would like to be about 20 lbs lighter, lighter-skinned (I’m quite pale already – thank you, Irish heritage), and I’d rather like to have a brow lift and something done about those pesky dark circles under my eyes that always make me look as if I haven’t slept in days. If I really had my druthers, I’d add about two inches to my height. As far as what I would change about my life chances, I’d like to have more disposable income (more status), and a nice home in a sunny, coastal region. To me, this would be a “perfect self-image”.

Compare this to what my “kinside” looks like. In the so-called “true form”, I am olive-skinned with dirty blond hair, androgynous leaning masculine, with a very tall but rather weedy frame. In other words, not my ideal. And even on angelic standards, not very ideal: my wings are smaller than most, I’m still shorter than most, and even female-bodied angels have more body shape than I do. In terms of status, I have none – I’m a young grunt with little experience in anything, and though I’ve seen “important” angelics, I don’t personally know any beyond my commander, Uriel (even then, I only know him professionally, not personally).

So, is my kinside a “perfect self-image”? Hardly. And can I even call myself “special” in that life? Does it make up for what I don’t have in this one? I’m going with no. How I could use this image to make myself feel better about life is beyond me, because it isn’t remotely my ideal – it just is. It simply exists as it does, just as I exist now as my genetics directed and life chances unfolded.

Now, am I denying that the idea of “perfect self-image” can play a part in some kinship identifications? Sure, it still can. I’ve seen it happen before in the newly awakened, being lead by their own interests and biases to arrive at entirely self-serving conclusions. It’ll certainly continue to happen in the future with other newly awakened individuals. But it’s not a valid explanation for the phenomenon as a whole. This particular glove simply does not fit this weedy, winged nobody. If people want to explain away the idea of Otherkin, they’ll have to search for another theory of debunking.

A Correction

I was reminded that there was another point at which I was ‘pinged’ by someone otherwordly, and I do know who that was. I can’t recall the exact circumstances, but I believe it was one of those moments where I was at my wits end and called out for some advice and comfort from “back home”. The only one who responded wasn’t in a status of Grace… rather, he’s one of those characters who has been quite demonized by some folk. He’s definitely not a favourite of the greater community, but he offered some comfort when I needed it most.

So saying that “I haven’t been contacted from back home since” isn’t an untruth… but I felt the correction was still warranted.

Special

Right, so. Transparency. Honesty. Thoughts, feelings, and my general kin experience. I knew keeping this blog would be somewhat difficult, not because I have a hard time with “transparency” or “honesty”, but I don’t really have much of a “kin experience”. I’ve mentioned before that it doesn’t play very heavily in my day to day life, but I think perhaps that’s a bit of an understatement. You can go around on sites and see people talking ninety miles a minute about who they were, and in the case of celestials, who they still keep in touch with. I don’t really have this ability.  Who I was was a complete and total nobody. My name isn’t in text of a religious or mystical variety, and even back home, I didn’t really “matter” much to anyone. The only other people (it’s easier to say ‘people’ than ‘angelics’) who really gave me the time of day were those with whom I worked. I could run into some names and exchange friendly words, but to say we actually knew each other would be such a stretch that the word would snap under the tension.

There’s some transparency. Now for some honesty: I’m jealous. I’m jealous of people who are still involved. I’m jealous of people who have interesting kin-lives. I generally try to shrug it off in public, saying that “my life is complicated enough without all that”, but it would be nice to have some connectivity. I got a small taste of it a while ago when the Angelic community, both on and off of OKA, seemed to be brimming with otherworldly activity, and while the experience was rather overwhelming to me, it was also somewhat nice.  There was contact. There was a sense of belonging. There was a sense of camaraderie with other incarnates who were going through a similar experience at the time.

And then, it stopped.  The swell of activity dwindled, and I never heard from “home” since.  Between then and now, I’ve only been “contacted” once, but I never got a handle on who or why. Still, that was ages ago. And perhaps I did it to myself. Perhaps this lack of contact is my fault in some way. I went through a period not so long ago when I wanted to doubt my kinship. I wanted to stop calling myself an angelic, and drop out of the community altogether. Maybe that simple thought was enough to send  a message of “Hey, no, don’ t talk to me right now,” when it really should’ve been taken as “I could really use some reassurance, here.”  I could use a friend, here.  I could really stand to be told that I matter to someone “back home”.

But then I smack some sense back into myself, and realize that all of this doesn’t really matter.  It’s just life.  You live. You work. You play your part. Anything beyond that is irrelevant.  My entire existence was simply my function, and anything beyond that was irrelevant.  I have an entirely different experience and existence now that I’m viewing everything from a human-lens — different needs and desires — but why should I expect the powers-that-be to bend to this new point of view, when point-of-view doesn’t change an essential truth?  I may want to be special to the folks back home, but the desire isn’t going to make me become special to anyone or anything.

Not a very pleasant taste of honesty, is it?

A Brief Introduction

This blog is an exploration of one person’s experience in identifying as Otherkin. How does it change a person’s worldview? How does it enrich one’s life? What are the potential harms?  How does one live a human life, when they feel like they themselves aren’t entirely human?  No two people experience life in the same way, and Otherkin are no different in this regard. I cannot claim to have any “answers” to the meaning of our existence, but I can offer my personal experiences, thoughts and opinions for your consideration.

I, Qarael, identify as an incarnated angelic of the Abrahamic paradigm (Judaism/Christianity/Islam). As far as I can tell, or imagine as may be the case, my time as an angelic began Post-Mosaic/Pre-Christ, most likely in the Era of the Prophets.  Though this seems to make it sound that my spirit is very old, I am actually very young by celestial standards.  As such, there is much I do not know about angelic history, whether it be canonical, apocryphal, or purely speculative. Whenever questions are raised about such topics, I defer to my elders.

From what I know about my “purpose”, most of my time was spent as a gate guardian.  At times I guarded the gates to “Heaven”, but more often than not, I was more or less a prison guard.  I cannot say for certain if the place I guarded had a name, so I just generally refer to it as “a hell”.  But I liken it to Tartarus, as it held primordial entities of destructive chaos, roughly equivalent to the Titans of Greek mythology. I also served as a minor “angel of wrath” when not serving as a gate guardian.

How does all this effect my life? Not terribly much. Though it may be somewhat hard to believe, I am not prone to flights of fancy. I don’t think about my kinship much. I don’t use it as a reason for why I do the things I do, or an excuse for why I choose not to do other things. To me, my kinship is just a part of my whole person. It’s there, and it has a function, but it isn’t an essential property by any means.  Whether or not I identify as Otherkin does not change who I am, how I think, or what I do.

As for who I am, how I think, and what I do… I am a 27 year old gender-neutral individual, currently living in the Eastern US. I live with my partner of three years, studying BA-level psychology full-time at a small private college and working part-time in fragrance, with an MA in Social Work on the horizon.  On my better days, I view the world from an Existentialist lens, while on others I take a distinctly Absurdist point of view. I enjoy music, makeup art, spiritual studies, and spending with my family. I am also the lead website designer for the Otherkin Alliance, frequent face for the online division of public relations, and forum administrator, under the direction of Adnarel.

I am not entirely sure how often I will update this blog — as I mentioned before, I do not think about my kinship much, so there are frequent droughts in my “musing” time. However, if there are any questions or other such prompts for writing, feel free to ask.

(This entry will be crossposted to the “About” page).